1. Do NOT try making love to a foreigner in a tent suspended thousands of feet above ground level: Ajay Devgn plays the title role of Shivaay. He befriends a Bulgarian babe with whom he….umm… climbs mountains meant to the the Himalayas but actually Bulgarian peaks. During a mountain avalanche he gets trapped in a tent suspended at precarious slant where death is almost inevitable. Rather than pray for their lives the couple in the tent make love, thereby giving an entirely unexpected dimension to the tent pole.But our hero is blessed by Lord Shiva.Only the King Ling could do this thing.
2. Do not watch Bajrangi Bhaijaan during pregnancy: Your progeny is liable to turn out to be non-Indian , stubborn and mute.Begetting a half-Bulgarian daughter who likes to have her way by stomping her feet and making animal-like noises which when heard by the cops, could cause serious law and order situations , Devgn The Shiva Bhakt is often seen to be at his wit’s end with his little darling. Headstrong children are hard to handle.Hence when Devgn’s daughter –the fruit of the tentpole encounter—insists she wants to visit Bulgaria, Devgn reluctantly gives in. The results, as we soon come to know, are catastrophic not only for the hero and his little daughter but also for the audience.
3. Mountain climbing can be hazardous to health: While swinging from one mountain-top to another like Tarzan snowed-under, Ajay Devgn acquires mastery over dizzying heights. A skill that he soon begins to exercise on the highways and mountain-sides of Bulgaria to rescue his kidnapped daughter.By the time Devgan actually locates the missing girl he has jumped down so many steep places in the plot(including the bizarre implausibilities) that he is too dizzy to actually think straight about his daughter’s wellbeing.It’s a miracle that she escapes her captors unscathed. If only the audience was that lucky.
4. When in Bulgaria don’t do as the Bulgarians do: Searching for his daughter’s missing mom Devgn Shivaay gets mixed up with human traffickers who do unmentionable things to children. Devgn—God bless his super-heroic aspirations– rescues kids by the droves. We see them run out of dark dingy places like newly-liberated fans of Ajay Devgn who have just discovered they would rather watch Doctor Strange than Shivaay.The former appears definitely less strange.
5. Do not visit Bulgaria for your Christmas vacations: If we are to believe Mr Devgn’s statistical data(which is at best, shaky)Bulgaria has a worse crime rate than Bihar and Uttar Pradesh combined. Or so Shivaay wants us to believe. Khule–aam din-dahaade children are kidnapped from busy streets. Full-on car chase sequences lasting for 10-15 minutes ensue with the hero clutching to the captors’s cars as though his life depended on iy, and the cops don’t even bat an eyelid. After watching Shivaay some politicians from the cow belt could shift to Bulgaria for brighter prospects.
6. When relegated to a wheelchair do not try to get on your feet: GirishKarnad who plays the very unfortunate debutante Sayessha’s father suddenly, in one of those evangelical flash moments, decides he wants to help children who get kidnapped by flesh traders. ‘Kisiko to inke liye khadaa hona hoga,’ he trembles on his feet. Don’t try analyzing that line too closely. It may be injurious to your health.
7. If you are hacker don’t mess around with the Russian mafia: Playing a constructive hacker (in opposition to destructive film directors) Vir Das comes to a sticky end. Just last week he fell prey to anti-Sikh riots in 31st October. This week, it’s the international mafia.Stand-up comedians have become an endangered species.
8. Do not mix religion with mountain climbing: Shivaay we are told, is a Shiva Bhakt, a point driven so persuasively into the plot that we feel we are being impaled by the Trishul for nearly 3 hours(additional warning: do not try making self-glorifying action films that go on longer than hate speeches at MNSrallies against Fawad Khan). At one point when the hero’s Bulgarian squeeze wonders which part of him is like Lord Shiva he flashes his…no not what you think(THAT, only Sonakshi Sinha got to see in Prabhudheva’s startling ode to audacity Action Jackson)…he flashes his Lord Shiva tattoos. So that’s what this film is finally: a 3-hour homage to Ajay Devgan’s Shiva tattoos.
9. Do not scoff or berate item girls: Men can be sex objects too. For the first ten minutes of the film Ajay Devgan performs daredevilish stunts while men look on as though they were watching Katrina Kaif doing Chikni chameli. This the Pakistani Chai–wala Syndrome being played out before male droolers.
10. Finally, do not attempt to make a film while smoking what the film’s hero is shown smoking from a chillum hookah: Ajay Devgn actor has his plus points(what they are, we shall discuss some other time). Ajay Devgn the director is another matter.