Jungle Cruise: Disney’s Nonsensical Tedious Trip Down The Amazon

Jungle Cruise 3D (Disney-Hotstar)

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Emily Blunt, Édgar Ramírez, Jack Whitehall, Jesse Plemons, and Paul Giamatti

Directed by Jaume Collet-Serra

Rating: **

The worst thing to have happened to the motion picture is the 3D technique. Whoever thought of it must hate  the movies so much that he (or she) wanted to dissuade movie buffs from braving it into theatres.

I braved it. 3D and all. I came out unscathed. But the film is truly a rough-weather ride. Not emotionally, mind you. Just in the pure physical sense Jungle Cruise puts you right in there, spectacle and all. It is a spectacle designed to be seen through the 3D spectacle with jungle animals specially snakes hissing and slithering towards you in slimy splendor.

No doubt Jungle Cruise is a technical triumph. But where is the emotional core of this tempestuous tale of  tortuous adventurism, carpeted with primitive pleasures which leave us craving for a rapid exit. I staggered out of the film like a drunken monk wondering what Emily Blunt was doing in it.

Dwayne Johnson, I can understand. Jungle Cruise has the low-maintenance intellectual wherewithal that his  fans enjoy. But Emily? Come on! Or is she trying to pacify all those young fans who were scared off by her  chilling act in A Quiet Place? As a pacifist’s parable, Jungle Cruise is as effective as the Covid vaccine. You won’t die of overkill watching this excessively exuberant excursion into fairyland. But you may be ill for a while.

What I noticed was the amount of physical acting this film demands from Ms. Blunt. From hanging from ceilings to jumping down cliffs to facing sharks (that includes the sharp-toothed Mr. Johnson)… the lady is in constant danger. Not only must she protect herself, she also has a gay brother, played with affectionate zest by Jack Whitecall, who has accompanied his badi bahen on this dangerous across the Amazon river.

Whitehall has this cute coming-out scene where he tells Johnson that he rejected three marriage proposals because his interest lay “elsewhere”.

“Here’s to elsewhere,” Dwayne raises a toast.

That’s  our sentiment too. One would wish to be  anywhere but  on this hideous tedious 3D  spectacle  of Amazonian asininity.