Mechanic Resurrection Makes Flying Jatt Look Like Mughal-e-Azam

Mechanic Resurrected

Starring: Jason Statham, Jessica Elba, Michelle Yeoh, Tommy Lee Jones

Directed by: Dennis Gansel

Rating: * (1 star)

For all those who believe everything imported is consumer-friendly, here is an eye-opener. Mechanic: Resurrectionis so irremediably awful it makes this week’s Bollywood release A Flying Jatt look like a classic in  comparison.

Sloppily written , jerkily edited and spasmodically  imaged, this is what one Indian politician in another context described as a  visit to Hell. In one pen-ultimate sequence of purported thrills we see the arch-villain tied up in chains and beaten to a pulp, with no scope for escape. This is exactly how we feel watching the extended exploits of the assassin Arthur Bishop, played by Jason Statham.

Now, Statham is cinematic phenomenon worthy of rigorous research. Not one of his facial nerves twitches even when his character is under extreme emotional pressure. Given Statham’s aversion to emotional expression his co-star Jessica Alba comes through as a distressed version of Meryl Streep.

When we first meet Alba she is being beaten black and blue by her boyfriend on a Thai island (where I’d like to take  a vacation, provided the Mechanic team is not shooting the third part of the fran(tic)chise ), Statham falls in love with Alba, and blows up her bully boyfriend in a boat that one hopes was insured.

We can only guess at Statham’s feelings for Alba since his face gives nothing—I repeat, NOTHING—away.

Soon the Statham and Alba are kissing and tearing at each other’s clothes, generating as much passion in  the process, as a dentist for his cavity-drill. Statham  is clearly not comfortable playing the lover-boy. Just what he is comfortable  doing, we will never know(not even the third or fourth part of this grand bland brand). Stunts are  Mr Statham’s forte. In the opening action he is seen negotiating with a female outlaw about a triple assassination.

Statham/Bishop clearly doesn’t know how to respect ghar ayee hui Laxmi. Instead of saying a polite, ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ (as we should all say to this fatuous franchise)  he shoves the coffee table at an open-air restaurant between the lady’s legs, and takes off in cable car like James Bond .

Ouch.

While  Statham channels the dormant Bond within himself Jessica Alba seeks the Mother Teresa in himself and tells us about—don’t laugh—her shelter for children in Cambodia , now threatened by  the arch-villlain Craine(SamHazaldene).  “If anything happens to my children I won’t be able to bear it, ” sobs Mother Teresa in a short skirt.

A thought: did Michelle Yeoh and Jessica Alba exchange roles?

Of course Bishop and Craine have a  history .

Not that we care.Given a chance you know what they can do with their history? He topography incidentally, is stunning but repeatedly disrupted by explosions, crashes and other man-made catastrophes. But we Indians are suckers for self-abuse. We watch this ….this….thing calling itself a film in the hope that it will suddenly redeem its zilch worth.

We watch in growing stupefaction, as Craine orders Bishop to go through triple murders(yup the same offer  turned down so rudely by Bishop at the movie’s prelude) if he wants Ms Alba’s shelter-home to be safe. One by one, Bishop goes through elaborate murder plans. When he comes to the third assassination Bishop spares the victim. Probably because he  is Tommy Lee Jones. And  no one kills the ageless Mr Jones. Not even God.

Who, by the way, is nowhere to be found in this godforsaken helluva film.

This is the second film in the Mechanic series. If there’s a third in the pipeline let there be apocalypse first.