Never Remake A Bad Film

Coolie No  1  reiterates  the  one  golden  rule  of  cinema. Never  do a remake of a bad film.  So which is the worst remake of all times? Is it Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag or SajidKhan’s Himmatwala or Satish Kaushik’s Karzzz(zzzzzzzz……)? Or how about a hashed rehash of  French film called , giggle, Nautanki Saala? Bollywood loves to descerate paraaya maal. Here’s looking at the 10 worst Bollywood remakes of all times.

1.Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag:  Need anything more be said? The indefatigable RGV has himself said it was a mistake to remake Sholay. That was later when the critics fell on him like a ton of bricks.Back then Ramu said confidently, “People don’t   know what I’m making , so they’re just reacting nostalgically. Everyone from Jayaji and Dharamji to my other well-wishers  have advised me to stay away from Sholay.  Dharamji has apparently said he’d jump off that water tank if I messed up Sholay. Why should  he jump off? He should push me  off  that tank if  I mess up with  Sholay.    I’ve made massive  preparations. Nothing in my  Sholay would be  the same as the earlier Sholay. For example there’s no Basanti  in my Sholay. If you remove the tonga and ghagra-choli from Basanti she’s just another girl in the plot. A lot of characters in Gabbar’s gang will  be fleshed out.  Sambha is very different. Likewise the  first cop who comes to meet Thakur is far more important in my  film. My film has a strong police presence because it’s set in the city. Of course Gabbar has to be a terror. So Mr Bachchan will have elaborate get-up. This is such a larger-than-life story,  everyone has to be many sizes larger than life. You’ll feel his viciousness. All these years Mr Bachchan has hidden his evil side so well. I want to  bring it out on screen. How  can anyone be  so correct?  No  one can be  so  morally perfect.  People say I’m  not capable of re-making Sholay. I’ve one consolation for them. Since the critics have already exhausted all their expletives  for Shiva, they’d have nothing left to say about Sholay. I think they’ll  pool their money and hire a gangster to get rid of me.  If Allah, Jesus Christ and Vaishno Devi come together to plead against my doing Sholay I’m still making it. Aage jo hoga  wohdekha jayega.”   Well, Ramu we all know what happened. Moral of the story: never tamper with a classic.

2. Mela: Dharmesh Darshan’s brutal and bizarre remake of Nasir Hussain’s bubbly and breezy Caravan  with dollops of Sholay. While Aamir and his real-life brother Faizalplayed Jai and Veeru from Sholay, Twinkle Khanna, in what was supposed to be her makeover movie a la Karisma in Raja Hindustani, played the runaway girl that Asha Parekh played in Caravan. The hotchpotch was indigestible,to say the least. Twinkle has hilarious off-the-record anecdotes to tell about Dharmesh’s neurotic direction. “Tina, aur emotional daalo,” he would scream . Poor Twinkle. She couldn’t get enough “emotion” in.Dharmesh got an emotional voice to dub her lines.

3. Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon: Sooraj Barjatya’s remake of Basu Chatterjee’s Chit Chor took the three simple rustic characters from the original to the Alps and the Niagara Falls  and only gawd knows where else. Hrithik and Kareena hammed it up trying to look likea couple in love. Abhishek Bachchan tried to keep a straight face. “What a mess they made of my film,” Basudasighed. We agree.

4.Main Aisa Hi Hoon: Harry Baweja took on the Sean Penn starrer I Am Sam  about an autistic man’s bonding with his daughter.Kya joke maara! The camera shook and shook, probably to express the rage we felt while watching this hideous unauthorized remake. Watch the Tamil maverick Vikram do I Am Sam in  Nanna, if you must watch a desi remake. Vikram was as good as Sean.Devgn really shouldn’t go anywhere near remakes: Ramu’s Sholay, Sajid’s Himmatwala and Harry’s Autistic I Am Khan…Sorry I Am Sam complete Devgn’s trio of embarrassments.

5.Karzzzzzzzz….. Himesh Reshamiyya dared to do what Ranbir said he wouldn’t. Do a remake of Rishi Kapoor’s Karz, while Urmila Matondkar stepped into Simi Garewal’s part of the vixen murderess. This film made us think murderous thought about the theme of reincarnation. Satish Kaushik who directed the disastrous remake says, “No Matter how good the remake it can never compare with the original.” We agree. But the Karzz remake was an insult to the original.

6.Dayaavan: Kamal Haasan still seethes when reminded of this seedy remake of his all-time classic Nayagan. Feroz Khan cast Vinod Khanna as the real-life gangster VardarajanMudaliar.Forget about matching up to the mighty Kamal Vinod didn’t even make an effort to get there. Today the film is remembered only for its long torrid smooch between a visibly comfortable Khanna and a distinctly uneasy Madhuri Dixit.Apparently Mani Ratnam was so upset with the remake that he contemplated suing .Eventually he just did what all creative people do. Go on with his work.And let the imitators create havoc.

7.Himmatwala: Ho tacky ho tacky ho tacky tacky re….Sridevi made a valid point when she wondered why anyone would want to remake Himmatwala as it wasn’t Mughal-e-Azam. I am sure everyone saw her point after the remake released.Why remake a bad film, so badly?

8.Victoria 203: Anant Mahadeav is one of our most underrated directors. The search for success spurred this sensitive director of such sublime films as Staying Alive and SindhutaoSapkal to remake one of the zaniest comic capers on the 1950s about a diamond heist. Alas, Anupam Kher and Om Puri just couldn’t match the saucy antics of Ashok Kumar and Pran from the original. And there was no Saira Banu in a towel crooning Thoda se thehro.We hastily exeunted.

9.Aapko Pehle Bhi Kahin Dekha Hai: Anubhav Sinha’s remake  of  Jay Roach’s Meet The Parents was so bad, we laughed at all the wrong places. If it’s any consolation this Anubhavmonster-piece is marginally better than what he did many years later in Ra.One.

10 Aatank Hi Aatank: Everyone from Feroz Khan to Mani Rathnam to Ram Gopal Varma has done Francis Coppola’s The Godfather . But this one directed by Dilip Shankar takes the cake. Aamir Khan’s Brando act in an ill-fitting wig would serve as a telling indication that even God(read: AK) makes mistakes. This one was a blunder.