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Ram Gopal Varma Falls Into A Bigger Hole With Climax!

Climax(Video On Demand)

Starring  Mia Malkova

Directed by Ram  Gopal Varma

Rating: O  Stars

Every time  my friend Ram  Gopal Varma  put out a new film I  pray that it would be his last.  But he surprises  everyone, including himself by churning out one  monstrosity after another,  each progressivelymore  awful and irredeemably  doomed to die  a natural death.

Words would fail to describe  my  disgust and  outrage  at what he has done in his latest outing. Climax is  a  rumination on sexual retardation. It’s as though Varma  found   desert location and  a porn star willing to prance  around in it, and  decided to  plonk a camera on both .It’s supposed to be  a horror film. But the bhoot is a hoot. And  the zombies look like extras picked up  by Varma  from the long  line of hungry desperate  migrants walking home before Sonu Sood  could  beat him to it.

The camera frequently  focuses on  the leading lady’s  generous bum  and happily lets  the  drugged narration fall in the crack.

Most times in the hour-long voyage into  the  claps of  commanding crappiness  Ms Malkova’s modesty is  covered with the briefest of  bikini bottoms , but   for one lengthy sequence where she roams in the desert and bathes in the dirtiest pond I’ve seen in my life, in all her naked splendour while  the  camera caresses  her bum.

Here   the audience is  supposed to lick its collective lips  in sheer orgasmic  bliss.But  if the satya be told , Climax is as sexy as pre-molar energy and as alluring as two skunks mating in the middle of a  desert.And  you can get more  of  Malkovik  on a pornsite for free and with better actors  too.

Speaking of  actors , I have no clue who  plays Ms  Malkovik’s  co-star.  If you listen carefully to  a conversation that  happens on a moving  jeep,someone tells us  he is Brazillian. But  the chap with his fake blodne hair and an accent picked at the immigration desk of   the Nepal airport, is as Brazillian as I am. Whoever  he is, this is the first and last time we will  meet him. RIP

As for Ms Malkovik, she tries hard to ACT.You know, just the basic elementary  expressions of  fear, anger, agitation,desperation that we teach  our children  before they learn  to walk …they are expressed  mostly by her 70 mm derrriere.Whenever Ram Gopal Varma succeeds in tearing away his eyes  from his leading lady’s bums and boobs,  we see her face  playing acting-acting.

Madame  Butt is  joined  by   a  band of zombies who  look  like they’ve watched all  of RGVs film from Aag to  God Sex And Truth  on  repeat  for  three days.In the latter we  got to see a lot more of Ms  Malkovik’s  talents, if you know what I mean.

Climax will easily  qualify as one of  the worst  examples  of infantile filmmaking by an adolescent who has  just discovered how to masturbate. In times to come  Ram Gopal Varma will  become a metaphor for  tortuous  film-viewing.  Something like,  “Don’t watch that  film. Varma pachtaoge.”In the meanwhile  I want  my 100 rupees and  one wasted  hour refunded .

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